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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 26, 2017 16:56:10 GMT
Jim was in a bad mood and anyone who got in his way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
"Get me a steak, well done with mashed. Potatoes." Three minutes later when His order came, Jim screamed " DIDNT YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?"
"Why thank you sir, the waitress smiled. That was the first compliment I got all day!"
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jan 26, 2017 23:56:14 GMT
The big game of the season with Oklahoma was coming up Saturday, and three Texas A&M players were failing history, ineligible to play. The coach went to the dean, the dean to the history professor. Being a big football fan, the professor agreed to give the players a one question quiz Saturday morning, if they passed, they played.
The professor calls the first one in and asks "what's Easter?". Billy Bob thinks for a few seconds and says "isn't that when a bunch of people landed on a rock and ate turkey?" Sorry, turn in your uniform. Next came Jimmy John, "what's Easter?" hemming and hawing, he finally says "doesn't that come in winter, and a fat man in a red suit gives lots of stuff away? You're off the team.
Finally Tommy Dale is called in, "what's Easter?". Without hesitation he says "a long, long time ago there was this really good guy, and he went around healing people. But he got crossways with the law, and they strung him up. His buddies put him in a cave and rolled a big rock in front of it, and three days later the rock rolled away. He walked out, saw his shadow, and they had 6 more weeks of winter".
They lost the game.
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Post by wildhorseluvr on Jan 27, 2017 15:59:39 GMT
Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they approached Tatamagouche, they started wondering how to properly pronounce the name of the town.
When they stopped for lunch, they decided to ask the little gal behind the counter. "Could you please tell us how to pronounce where we are, and can you say it really slowly?"
The teenager leaned over the counter and loudly said, "Burrrrr....gerrrrrrr...Kiiiiinnnnggg."
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 27, 2017 20:19:08 GMT
A patient sits in the dental chair with severely fractured teeth. After discussing with the orthodontist How they will be restored and what the fee would be. The patient says "before you start, I gotta know,
Will I be able to play the clarinet when you are finished?"
The dentist replies "sure you will!"
The patient replies "great, I couldn't play a note before!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 27, 2017 21:43:21 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 28, 2017 17:00:08 GMT
Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by kyles picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So She asked him which story it was meant to be.
"The flight to Egypt."
"I see ...and that must be Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus." Ms. Terri said. But who's the fourth person?"
Kyle explained, "oh, that's Pontius the pilot!"
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 29, 2017 20:27:20 GMT
Three women were about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward and then the executioner asks if she has any last Requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "ready, aim...."
Suddenly the brunette yells "earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
Then the angry guards bring the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any Last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts "ready...aim...
The redhead then screams "tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around, she too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner Asks if she has any last requests. She also says no and the executioner shouts "ready...aim..."
The blonde shouts "FIRE,"
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 30, 2017 20:25:26 GMT
A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the Sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
"You have released me from my prison" the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I Grant you three wishes. But be careful, for with each wish, your mate will receive Double of whatever you request."
"Why?" The woman asked. "That bum left me for another woman."
"That is how it is written,". Replied the genie.
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, And a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her Wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.
"And your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the worlds most expensive diamond necklace." Another flash of light, And the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her Husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bononza.
"Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do and he gets double of whatever I wish for?"
The genie said it was indeed true.
"Okay, genie, I'm ready for my last wish, the woman said "scare me half to death!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 30, 2017 23:47:00 GMT
I'm STILL searching for that bottle . . .
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Post by Mari-in-IN on Jan 31, 2017 18:38:27 GMT
Mom just e-mailed me one I thought was clever...
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it." Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story. Their banner headlines read: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 1, 2017 17:53:08 GMT
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to & he thought She might need a hearing aide.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to Give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do, said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal Conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet And so on until you get a response.
That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner & he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens. Then in a normal voice he asks "honey What's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet away from his Wife and asks "honey what's for dinner?" No response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is 20 feet from his wife and asks, "honey what's For dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door and about 10 feet away, "honey what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So we walks right up behind her, "honey, what's for dinner?"
"Clyde, for the fifth time ...CHICKEN!"
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Feb 1, 2017 21:03:08 GMT
Woodpecker, A true life twist on your story - At the army induction station groups of 10 were led into a room with 1" thick cork on the walls and ceiling. One chair was facing the far wall, and each of us sat in it while the hearing tester stood about 10' behind calling out numbers, starting with a very low voice and increasing volume until the testee repeated the number. A draftee sat down and the tester said "four" in a low voice, no response, then "six" in a slightly louder voice, nothing, then "five" in a voice above normal, no response. We were all figuring the guy was stone deaf until the tester said in a very low voice "you failed, you can leave", and the guy got up and headed for the door. The tester said "you passed".
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 1, 2017 21:11:52 GMT
Woodpecker , A true life twist on your story - At the army induction station groups of 10 were led into a room with 1" thick cork on the walls and ceiling. One chair was facing the far wall, and each of us sat in it while the hearing tester stood about 10' behind calling out numbers, starting with a very low voice and increasing volume until the testee repeated the number. A draftee sat down and the tester said "four" in a low voice, no response, then "six" in a slightly louder voice, nothing, then "five" in a voice above normal, no response. We were all figuring the guy was stone deaf until the tester said in a very low voice "you failed, you can leave", and the guy got up and headed for the door. The tester said "you passed". That's a hilarious true story! Kudos to the tester🤗
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Post by here to stay on Feb 1, 2017 23:13:21 GMT
Ozarks Tom, that reminds me of my mother's story about my father. Seems my older sister complained that she just couldn't get Father to listen to her. Mom's recommendation was to stand a few feet away from him and just quietly repeat the word "money." So she did. Stood about 5 feet away and just whispered "money, money, money..." she had his attention by the third money. I tried it a number of years later and it worked jyst as well.
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Post by shellymay on Feb 2, 2017 11:29:59 GMT
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff ... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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Post by katievt on Feb 2, 2017 16:26:14 GMT
Ozarks Tom , that reminds me of my mother's story about my father. Seems my older sister complained that she just couldn't get Father to listen to her. Mom's recommendation was to stand a few feet away from him and just quietly repeat the word "money." So she did. Stood about 5 feet away and just whispered "money, money, money..." she had his attention by the third money. I tried it a number of years later and it worked jyst as well. Years ago, my grandmother and her siblings became concerned about my great-grandfather's driving. There were a couple close calls, but he swore he could see perfectly fine. My great-grandmother decided to test his vision...
They were heading out on errands and she hesitated by the door. "Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's go!", grandpa said. She was completely naked and he couldn't tell! His driving privileges were quickly removed.
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 2, 2017 19:04:16 GMT
A navy captain is alerted that there is a pirate ship coming towards his Position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, "why do you need a red shirt?"
The captain replies "so that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren't discouraged." They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their Boat. He yells, "GET ME MY BROWN PANTS!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 2, 2017 23:47:55 GMT
Ozarks Tom , that reminds me of my mother's story about my father. Seems my older sister complained that she just couldn't get Father to listen to her. Mom's recommendation was to stand a few feet away from him and just quietly repeat the word "money." So she did. Stood about 5 feet away and just whispered "money, money, money..." she had his attention by the third money. I tried it a number of years later and it worked jyst as well. Years ago, my grandmother and her siblings became concerned about my great-grandfather's driving. There were a couple close calls, but he swore he could see perfectly fine. My great-grandmother decided to test his vision...
They were heading out on errands and she hesitated by the door. "Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's go!", grandpa said. She was completely naked and he couldn't tell! His driving privileges were quickly removed.
Sheesshhhhh.....Your family was harsh. I mean, come on now.....how many naked women does one normally see while out driving?!!!~~~~ I can assure you, the odds are low.....I should know, 'cause I'm still looking.
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 3, 2017 5:50:44 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 3, 2017 22:01:02 GMT
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the Guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the Road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing , takes off his golf cap, closes his Eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen, You are truly a kind man."
The man replies, "yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Post by horseyrider on Feb 3, 2017 22:56:03 GMT
Woodpecker , A true life twist on your story - At the army induction station groups of 10 were led into a room with 1" thick cork on the walls and ceiling. One chair was facing the far wall, and each of us sat in it while the hearing tester stood about 10' behind calling out numbers, starting with a very low voice and increasing volume until the testee repeated the number. A draftee sat down and the tester said "four" in a low voice, no response, then "six" in a slightly louder voice, nothing, then "five" in a voice above normal, no response. We were all figuring the guy was stone deaf until the tester said in a very low voice "you failed, you can leave", and the guy got up and headed for the door. The tester said "you passed". Another true story. My father reported for the medical exam at the onset of WWII. The physician failed him. "Why?" my astonished father asked. The doctor said "You have asthma." "What??! No I don't!" my father replied. The doctor looked at him in a fierce manner and said "YES. YOU DO." My grandfather was an orthopedic surgeon and was already serving. My father was the only son. The doctor doing the military physicals knew my grandfather. Mom said she figured that this doctor didn't want to risk the lives of every man in the family; my grandmother and aunt might need my dad. Interestingly, my father never had any breathing issues as long as I've been alive.
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 4, 2017 22:38:32 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 6, 2017 0:35:50 GMT
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Post by mzgarden on Feb 6, 2017 1:26:54 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 6, 2017 16:42:29 GMT
A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owners quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me Simon, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Simon replies, lowering his voice so the Other shoppers won't hear. Since you're a good and faithful customer I'll let you in on it. "Fish heads, you eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
You sell them here? The customer asks. Only $4 a piece, says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads Were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough" says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two Weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Simon, he complains, you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole Fish for $2 you're ripping me off."
"You see? Says Simon, you're smarter already!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 6, 2017 23:59:58 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 7, 2017 5:32:14 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Feb 7, 2017 6:41:46 GMT
Or people that don't know the difference between There and They're
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 7, 2017 8:02:23 GMT
Or even possibly: "I see what you did thar"?
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Post by Melissa on Feb 7, 2017 14:26:41 GMT
I get more complaints about this thread than any other. So should I shut it down? Or would everyone agree to lay off the political jokes and have fun another way?
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