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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 4, 2016 15:33:01 GMT
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Post by mzgarden on Nov 4, 2016 17:24:48 GMT
hahahaha, I'm sharing that one for sure.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2016 0:48:37 GMT
1. "The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus."
2. "Never trust a man or woman if they're in love, drunk, or running for public office."
3. "Our president is really getting tough with all the bad guys in the world. I've noticed lately that now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 13, 2016 23:40:14 GMT
That LOOK of 'udder' concern . . . ~~~ priceless!!!
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Post by dw on Nov 15, 2016 14:32:20 GMT
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 16, 2016 2:49:09 GMT
I remember one time when my dad gave me money to pay the Power bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home I explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the Power company, they were there to cut the Power off. My dad beat the crap out of me again...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 3:03:47 GMT
I had a guy who was down on his luck knock at my door. He was looking for odd jobs to earn some cash. I had a big chore I was dreading. I told him I'd give him fifty bucks to paint the porch. He asked where the paint was, and I told him the paint and the stepladder was out under the carport by the car, all ready to go. He came back to the door shortly afterward and asked if the brushes there was what I wanted him to use. I said sure, they were good enough for the job. About an hour later he came back to my door and said he was all done. I thought that would be an impossibility, and walked out the front door. He bounced down the steps and said, "Oh, and by the way it's a Porsche, not a Porch."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 16, 2016 17:06:43 GMT
BREAKING: California drought over as liberal tears fill local rivers and replenish reservoirs . . .
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Post by MeandTK on Nov 16, 2016 20:03:32 GMT
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised this giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money. However, he failed to report his earnings to the IRS, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you’ve come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?" "No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 17, 2016 15:31:30 GMT
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 17, 2016 22:01:45 GMT
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of dog food & was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? I'm retired now, with some spare time on my hands, so on impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I told her I probably shouldn't because last time I ended up in the hospital, but that I'd lost 50 lbs. before I awoke in the intensive care unit, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices & IV's in both arms. I told her it was the perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with dog chow nuggets & to simply eat 1 or 2 when hungry. The dog food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter & a car hit us both. The manager won't let me shop there anymore.
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Post by Mari-in-IN on Nov 17, 2016 23:58:10 GMT
copperkid3 ,@deerjohn , MeandTK , Woodpecker , Oh I just to have to thank each and everyone of you guys... My DH just finished up "fighting" with our so-called internet and wireless printer, and doing a ton of paperwork on top of that - and he was NOT in a good mood. I told him he just had to read this thread and it was awesome to see him with a big grin on his face and like - totally laughing out loud at your posts! Thank-you my friends! ~Mari
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 18, 2016 2:18:10 GMT
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 18, 2016 17:28:46 GMT
Well one day my mother was out & dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old & had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a "little tea set" as a get well gift. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought daddy a little cup of "tea" which of course was water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because he thought it was the cutest thing! My mom waited & sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy and she watched him drink it up. Then she says (as only a mother would) "Did it ever occur to you the the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 20, 2016 5:38:18 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 20, 2016 16:50:43 GMT
George Phillips of meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that "he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "is someone in your house?" And he said "no" then they said all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock the door and an officer would be along when available.
George said "ok", counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red handed.
One of the policemen said to George"I thought you said that you shot them!"
George said "I thought you said you there was nobody available!" (True story) I love it!
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Post by mogal on Nov 20, 2016 19:23:02 GMT
Normally, when DH and I attend an auction, I have something prepared for dinner at home but one day, I hadn't gotten around to it. Instead of fast food, we decided to see what the deli section of a grocery in the town north of us offered.
I noticed containers marked "Amish potato salad." I'd never heard of such a dish so turned to my husband and wondered aloud what could make it different from the containers of "potato salad."
Without missing a beat, he said, "They make it without electricity."
Incidentally, I've since learned that it's dressed with mustard rather than mayonnaise.
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 21, 2016 21:33:47 GMT
Father Murphy walked into a pub & said to the first man he met, "do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said "I do father."
The priest said "leave this pub right now!"
Then he approached a second man. Father Murphy asked "do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly Father," was his reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" Said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'toole & asked "do you want to go to heaven?"
O'toole replied "no, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "you mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'toole smiled, "oh, when I die. Yes father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." 😋
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 23, 2016 16:49:56 GMT
Billy graham was returning from charlotte after a speaking engagement & when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped & spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old & have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said "no problem, have a go at it."
Billy gets into the drivers seat & they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out & easily caught the limo & got out to start the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the drivers door & when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself & went back to his car to call his supervisor.
He told him, "i know we are suppose to enforce the law...but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what to do, I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor said "is it the governor?" The trooper said "no, he's more important than that." The supervisor said "oh it's the president!" The trooper said again, "no he's more important than that."
Finally the supervisor asked "well then who is it?
The young trooper said" I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 18:17:06 GMT
That's funny...!! (you're on a roll)
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 23, 2016 20:40:44 GMT
That's funny...!! (you're on a roll) Your turn dear "dearjohn"💫
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 23, 2016 20:51:32 GMT
Billy graham was returning from charlotte after a speaking engagement & when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped & spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old & have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said "no problem, have a go at it." Billy gets into the drivers seat & they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out & easily caught the limo & got out to start the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the drivers door & when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself & went back to his car to call his supervisor. He told him, "i know we are suppose to enforce the law...but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what to do, I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor said "is it the governor?" The trooper said "no, he's more important than that." The supervisor said "oh it's the president!" The trooper said again, "no he's more important than that." Finally the supervisor asked "well then who is it? The young trooper said" I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!" This one's been around for awhile, as Billy just turned 98 a few weeks back . . . HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BILLY ~ Went to one of his crusades held in the early 80s, down in Houston, Texas...
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 23, 2016 22:04:54 GMT
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He perform a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it a part to reveal his oil-stained t-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the t-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "what the world’re ya doing there, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejebeers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, “but me n' the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 23:17:46 GMT
What's a woodpecker's favorite joke? A "knock-knock" joke!!
What did the termite say when he came into the bar? Is the bartender here?
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 24, 2016 0:35:30 GMT
*********************
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
And THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 24, 2016 0:36:00 GMT
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 24, 2016 5:47:14 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 24, 2016 5:50:13 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 24, 2016 12:54:59 GMT
Two nuns were shopping in a food store & happened to be passing the beer &liquor section.
One nun asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchashing it.
The first nun said she could handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "this is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package pf pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "Here don't forget the curlers."
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 24, 2016 13:36:22 GMT
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