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Post by dw on Oct 20, 2021 20:53:34 GMT
OMG...TOO Funny!!!
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Post by countrymom22 on Oct 20, 2021 21:51:25 GMT
Oh grannyg, I needed that today! I was also in tears by the end! Thanks!
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Post by grannyg on Oct 21, 2021 1:54:53 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 24, 2021 0:00:00 GMT
How to Get Into Heaven A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in." "Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly." "That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points." "Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully." "Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point." "One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them." "Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!" "Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place." "Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."
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Post by grannyg on Oct 26, 2021 1:43:09 GMT
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Post by snoozy on Oct 26, 2021 14:29:18 GMT
Why is it I can never see grannyg's posts? It's just blank. Obviously other people see them. A few other people's posts, too.
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backwoodsman
Junior Member
Not quite at the ends of the earth, but you can see it from here.
Posts: 99
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Post by backwoodsman on Oct 26, 2021 15:23:27 GMT
Why is it I can never see grannyg's posts? It's just blank. Obviously other people see them. A few other people's posts, too. Usually it's because folks link an image from Facebook, rather than downloading it and posting it directly to this forum. Do you run a browser add-on that blocks Facebook? If so, you have to put this site in its whitelist so you can see the content from Facebook.
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Post by Tallpines on Oct 27, 2021 5:03:39 GMT
52 years of wedded bliss for us!
That’t a very long time!
If I’d killed him the first time I had thought about it ……
I’d be outta prison by now!
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Post by Daniel on Oct 27, 2021 13:25:39 GMT
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Post by snoozy on Oct 27, 2021 19:38:26 GMT
Usually it's because folks link an image from Facebook, rather than downloading it and posting it directly to this forum. Do you run a browser add-on that blocks Facebook? If so, you have to put this site in its whitelist so you can see the content from Facebook. [/quote] I will do without then...
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Post by Melissa on Oct 27, 2021 20:14:58 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 29, 2021 20:11:57 GMT
A good bit of rope, can help a man cope, and offer him hope, on a slippery slope.
But a length of string, is no sort of thing, for a climber to cling, nor for Tarzan to swing.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 30, 2021 2:14:55 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 30, 2021 22:27:38 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 31, 2021 15:49:45 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 31, 2021 23:12:13 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 2, 2021 2:40:32 GMT
Another from Bubba Bob:
THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam! 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. And finally, 10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by grannyg on Nov 2, 2021 17:33:09 GMT
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Post by mogal on Nov 2, 2021 21:23:20 GMT
I wonder if the little guy "gets" the joke? I wonder how many adults would? Would ya'll believe I have a box of those gloves in my store room--right alongside my kidding supplies.
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Post by countrymom22 on Nov 2, 2021 22:27:26 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 4, 2021 16:45:43 GMT
Another from Bubba Bob:
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'
Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'
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Post by mogal on Nov 4, 2021 17:57:50 GMT
In the same vein as Stickinthemud's story:
Sweet young thing/reporter was interviewing a "bride" of 60 some odd years for her newspaper. SWT asks the bride if she'd ever considered divorce in all those years.
Well, the bride was aghast at the thought of such an action. "DIVORCE? NEVER!" she gasped. "Murder? Daily!"
We've passed the 47 year mark.
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Post by snoozy on Nov 5, 2021 17:41:38 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Nov 7, 2021 0:48:43 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 9, 2021 3:19:03 GMT
Another Bubba Bob:
The Half-Wit A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent." Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.""That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent."That would be me," replied the rancher.
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Post by grannyg on Nov 11, 2021 2:54:00 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Nov 14, 2021 22:36:49 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 16, 2021 15:58:10 GMT
TWENTY FIVE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
5.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
9.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again.
14.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
15.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
16.. Procrastinate Now!
17.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts--Do You Want Fries With That?
18.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
20.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
21.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
23.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
24.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
25.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends: Life is too short and friends are too few!
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 16, 2021 19:18:52 GMT
stickinthemud, That is not 29 things. It is 25 unless you put a 26 in front of the word Appreciate.
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 16, 2021 19:37:16 GMT
Oops... Thanks, Rustaholic. Fixed.
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