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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 24, 2016 22:52:04 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 25, 2016 1:24:41 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 25, 2016 1:30:00 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 25, 2016 1:32:23 GMT
"Suicided one and all; It was the damnedest thing I ever saw Captain!"
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 25, 2016 13:00:47 GMT
When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like an ordinary man," he said, as he looked up at her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit twenty million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men!
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 25, 2016 19:24:04 GMT
A scientist was arrested at the local zoo. Surveillance video revealed him traipsing through a cage of sleeping cougars, carrying a pail of newly-hatched sea birds which he then fed to the dolphins. He claims the diet will prolong dolphin lives indefinitely. He is being charged with (groan) Transporting young gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.
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Post by willowgirl on Nov 27, 2016 6:05:05 GMT
Neeky & Moose
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 27, 2016 16:40:35 GMT
A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen,
Careful, he said, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh, my goodness! You're cooking too many eggs at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them, turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my Lord, WHERE are we going to get more butter ? They're going to stick!
Careful, CAREFUL I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking. Never!!!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you." You don't think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."🙄
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2016 18:35:17 GMT
Why do you need a license for a dog but not for a cat? A cat can't drive!!!
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 28, 2016 17:51:31 GMT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do you Know you've got a suppository in your ear?." Mabel answered "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2016 22:15:12 GMT
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 29, 2016 22:51:02 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Nov 30, 2016 17:53:00 GMT
Due to a power shortage, only one paramedic was available to respond to a call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a flashlight over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Vert diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed & pushed & after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet & spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help & asked the wide eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "he shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his bottom again!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Nov 30, 2016 23:39:24 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 1, 2016 5:35:37 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 1, 2016 16:47:32 GMT
A man and his wife were dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swiggering his drink, as he sits alone at a nearby table.
The husband asks "do you know him?"
"Yes,, sighs his wife, he's my ex-boyfriend." I understood he took to drinking right after we split up 7 years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" Says the husband, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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Post by adirondackgal on Dec 1, 2016 23:36:40 GMT
Woodpecker-that was a good one!
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2016 0:30:34 GMT
A man and his wife were dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swiggering his drink, as he sits alone at a nearby table. The husband asks "do you know him?" "Yes,, sighs his wife, he's my ex-boyfriend." I understood he took to drinking right after we split up 7 years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" Says the husband, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Then the wife gets up and goes over to the drunk and takes him home with her because he treated her a lot better than her lousy husband did.
Reading that upset me. It is not funny at all. I believe fully in Happy Wife = Happy Life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2016 15:09:32 GMT
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 2, 2016 16:59:21 GMT
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe & eyeing two Canadian government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "you observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress. You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued "considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute & then calmly replied, "when white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night with his wife.
The chief leaned back and smiled.........
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that." (YOU'RE NOT JUST BLOWING SMOKE, CHIEF)
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 4, 2016 2:05:49 GMT
A father and his older teenage son walks into an open marketplace. The father has been flipping a quarter and playing a "game" of catching it on his forehead and having the teen, guess the outcome: heads or tails? The boy is both bored and beginning to be embarrassed by the old man and so becomes disinterested and begins scoping out the sights and sounds surrounding him.
Suddenly, the man starts choking; his face turning a reddish-purple as he gasped for air without success. The son now realizes that his father has accidentally swallowed the quarter and starts to panic; screaming for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the marketplace reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of expresso. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
She then gets up slowly from her seat and gingerly makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market square.
Reaching the helpless man, the woman quickly pulls his pants down, and then grabs ahold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze ~ gently at first and then ever more firmly! The man turns an even deeper shade of purple and then . . .
A few seconds later, the father convulses violently; coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing her hold on the man, the woman then hands the coin to the awestruck son, smiles ever so slightly and then calmly walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. The gathering crowd of course, then erupts into wild applause at such an amazing sight .
As soon as he is sure that his father has suffered no lasting ill effects, the young man then rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before.
THAT was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
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Post by stickinthemud on Dec 4, 2016 2:09:51 GMT
Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 4, 2016 17:08:03 GMT
Thee game show contestant was only behind 200 points from the leader & about to answer the final question, worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion, the smiling host intoned, "name two of santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early 30's , gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. " Rudolph! He said confidently, and Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud ( like the sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain....Olive???"
"You know, the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing. "Ruloph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. "Olive," the other reindeer...." 🕊
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 4, 2016 20:06:29 GMT
G R O A N . . . *
*(actually, after giving it some serious consideration, that wasn't half-bad....)
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Post by ketoriverfarm on Dec 5, 2016 4:29:50 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 6, 2016 3:14:54 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 6, 2016 4:56:48 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 6, 2016 15:38:55 GMT
A couple were going on vacation, but his wife was on a business trip, so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached the hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address he mistyped a letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away Only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing screem and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this email on the screen.
Dearest wife,
Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 8, 2016 1:12:28 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 9, 2016 1:39:03 GMT
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