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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 10, 2016 0:45:50 GMT
Well, a group of 15 year olds girlfriends were to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Oceanview Restaurant because they only had $6.00 & Jimmy Johnson the cute boy in social studies lived on that street.
At their 10 year reunion the group of 25 year olds discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Oceanview Restaurant because the drinks were cheap, the band was good & there were lots of cute guys.
At their reunion 10 years later, the group of 35 year old friends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Oceanview Restaurant because the atmosphere was good, it was close to the gym & if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny kids.
Ten years later the group of 45 year old friends discussed where to meet. Again they agreed to meet at the Oceanview Restaurant, because the martinis were big & the waiters were younger.
After the next 10 years went by the friends discussed where to meet. Finally they agreed to meet at the Oceanview Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes) & fish is good for cholesterol.
10 years later the group of 65 year olds discussed where to meet for dinner. They agreed again, the Oceanview Restaurant because the lighting was good & the restaurant had an early bird special.
10 years later the group of 75 year olds were discussing where to meet & they agreed on the Oceanview Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy & it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later the group of 85 year old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed on the Oceanview Restaurant because they had never been there before!
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 10, 2016 1:41:13 GMT
And 5 years later...
one of the 3 survivors said: "Let's meet at the Dairy Queen; I hear Jimmy Johnson's grandson is running the place!!!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 10, 2016 3:54:35 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 10, 2016 4:13:41 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 10, 2016 4:22:21 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 11, 2016 18:29:13 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 11, 2016 21:24:54 GMT
Ron An 85 year old man was sitting on the couch with his wife Maisie, when she said to him "why don't you come sit close to me like you used to?" So he did.
After a moment Maisie said "why don't you put your arm around me like you used to?" Ron put his arms around her and held her tight. Then she said "why don't you nibble on my ear like you used to?"
Ron got up and left the room. "Where are you going?" Maisie called out.
"To get my teeth" Ron replied.
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 13, 2016 6:00:21 GMT
You think English is easy?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Or park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
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Post by mzgarden on Dec 13, 2016 9:46:28 GMT
copperkid3, hahahaha, that was hilarious. I'm saving that and will be sharing it in pieces with friends on FB. This whole thread is wonderful. Wish I had something to contribute besides grins, out loud laughs and the occasional coffee sprayed on my keyboard.
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Post by indypartridge on Dec 13, 2016 16:30:10 GMT
You think English is easy? I saw this on a coffee mug: "All the coffee he had had had had no effect"
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Post by mzgarden on Dec 13, 2016 17:18:54 GMT
indypartridge, You're killing me, lol. I definitely need to stock up/prep additional keyboards.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 13, 2016 17:28:15 GMT
Jim &a Edna were both patients in a phychiatric hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Because you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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Post by shellymay on Dec 14, 2016 11:40:04 GMT
copperkid3, Building on the English post........
If there is a fork in the road, how come they don't call a straight away "A Knife"
How come a cul-de-sac is not called a "spoon"
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 14, 2016 15:39:35 GMT
How did you want yours? Over easy and unbroken.....NO PROBLEM!!
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 14, 2016 16:44:58 GMT
Iris was 67 years old.
"I feel like my body has totally gotten out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour."
"But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over!"
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 15, 2016 17:31:06 GMT
Dylan was in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and Is giving him a big "hello."
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, So he says "sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
Dylan's mind shoots back to the one time he had been unfaithful, "blimey!" He says, did we meet at Franks's stag party in Newport?" Dylan continued, "When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone."
"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 16, 2016 5:12:45 GMT
As one can clearly note...."OLIVE"; the other reindeer, was not at the corral that morning and is still missing.
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 16, 2016 6:41:15 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 16, 2016 7:41:35 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 16, 2016 15:07:12 GMT
Reginald was terribly over weight, so his doctor put him on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." His doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked the doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said , greatly impressed. "You certainly must have followed my instructions."
Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."
"Why, from hunger?" Asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping!"
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 16, 2016 18:07:46 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 16, 2016 21:37:37 GMT
HERE....HAVE A SNIFF
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 17, 2016 3:38:50 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 17, 2016 3:39:04 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 17, 2016 15:02:40 GMT
Oh how I would love to LIKE this over 100 times.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 17, 2016 15:14:57 GMT
Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob , curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are doing?"
"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." the farmer replies.
"A Nobel prize?" inquires Bob, puzzled. "how?"
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 17, 2016 18:27:56 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 18, 2016 1:19:52 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 18, 2016 6:00:14 GMT
AGAIN . . .?
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 18, 2016 19:51:37 GMT
Farmer John lived on a rural highway. As time went by the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy & fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of 3 to 6 per day.
Farmer John called the sheriffs office & said "you've got to do something about these people driving so fast & killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" Asked the sheriff. " I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers."
The next day the county workers go out & erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later farmer John called & said, "you have to do something better, the school crossing sign isn't working!" So again the sheriff send out the county worker & they put up a new sign. SLOW : CHILDREN AT PLAY
That made the drivers speed up faster, so farmer John called & called for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff "your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign? The sheriff told him sure in order to stop him from calling everyday. The sheriff got no more calls from farmer John. Three weeks later curiosity got the best of the sheriff & he gave farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers?" Did you put up your sign?
"Oh, I sure did & not one chicken has been killed. I've got to go, I'm very busy. The sheriff was really curious & thought to himself, I'd better go there & take a look at that sign, it might be something that WE could use.
So the sheriff drove out to farmer Johns house & his jaw dropped as he read the sign, painted on a sheet of wood.
NUDIST COLONY "Go slow and watch out for chicks!"
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