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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 19, 2016 22:22:25 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 20, 2016 0:43:56 GMT
A new young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I tickling you?"
She replied "no Doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner."
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 21, 2016 2:09:32 GMT
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, and punched him out ~ breaking his nose.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2016 3:55:41 GMT
In a certain home where the arrival of a new born baby there was also the six year old son with an inquiring mind who wanted a visit. Upon being taken in to the new born's bed, he exclaimed, "Oh mother, it hasn't any teeth! And, no hair!! Then clasping his hands in despair he said, "I'm afraid someone has done us in, this is an old baby.
What's the difference between a lion and a giraffe? The giraffe has a longer neck!
What did one light bulb say to the other? Lets go out together!!!
Are Muslims allowed to watch movies with Kevin Bacon?
I get no respect around here, at the forum get together we played hide and seek and they wouldn't even look for me.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 23, 2016 2:38:18 GMT
“A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed.
‘Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.’” “God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.” “He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dogs.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor; ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.” “At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.” The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.’” “The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, ‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’”
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Post by copperkid3 on Dec 23, 2016 7:04:33 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 23, 2016 16:53:34 GMT
A man was looking to paint his porch, so he hired a young lady & told her what to do.
After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said "I'm done."
The man asked , "how did you get done so fast?" The lady said "it was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end, And by the way, it's a Ferrari not a Porsche."
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 26, 2016 19:12:37 GMT
U.S. Aircraft Radar Officer, shouts "please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision!"
Back came the reply: you must be joking, "I recommend you divert your course instead!"
The U.S. Radars Officer referred the matter to his superior officer and reported the incident as insubordination.
As a result the Captain of the Aircraft Carrier sent a second message. " I believe that I out rank you and am giving You a direct order to divert your course now!"
The radio operator replied " this is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 28, 2016 20:01:29 GMT
This should tickle your fancy.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 28, 2016 22:02:29 GMT
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was Physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal it's throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "well then, you ask him."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 4:17:38 GMT
Way too cool for school
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 30, 2016 16:37:55 GMT
Here's the situation. Jenny the farmers wife looks out of her window. What does she see but a bull in a field caught his head in between the bars of a feeder.
Jenny calls the fire brigade. Their siren only makes the bull more agitated. When they appraise the situation they realize they are not equipped to deal With cattle, so they phone for the RSPCA inspector to help free the animal.
Six hefty firemen and the inspector push and pull the beast and eventually they wrestle it's head from between the bars.
The bull was, by now, very angry and turned snorting at the men and began to attack them. Fearing for their life, they hide in the animal feeder. Whereupon the farmers wife burst into tears of joy followed by tears of laughter.
Jenny was now able to rescue the rescuers. All she did was get the bulls old milk bottle, half fill it with milk, put on the teat, and use it to lead the bull from the animal feeder into the farmyard and close the gate.
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Post by Woodpecker on Dec 31, 2016 17:03:34 GMT
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scizzors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out I handed her a tooth brush. I said "when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
(The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp!)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 17:22:45 GMT
"In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 15:39:39 GMT
"Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage."
"I don't have any out-of-body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Walmart tire sale"
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 1, 2017 16:35:58 GMT
On New Year's Eve Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said it was time to Get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing Next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck midnight - the bartender was almost crushed to death.😇
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 2, 2017 20:00:07 GMT
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat Lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually Into the store and offers to buy the cat for $2.00
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. "I'll Pay you $20.00 for the cat." And the owner hands over the cat.
The collector,continues, "hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer, the cats used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats!"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2017 0:19:01 GMT
God bless Merle Haggard, he did all the things Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 3, 2017 16:58:54 GMT
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayers. "Dear Harold" at this , dad interrupted and said "Wait a minute, how come you called God Harold?" The little boy looked up and said
"That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name."
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 3, 2017 17:59:36 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 3, 2017 18:00:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2017 16:44:26 GMT
"A woman drove me to drinking and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people."
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again...then quit, there's no use in being a dang fool about it."
"Ahh, the patter of little feet around the house, there's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
W C Fields
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 4, 2017 17:33:17 GMT
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 5, 2017 22:14:52 GMT
Morris & his wife Esther went to the state fair every year & every year Morris would say "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always said, " I know Morris But that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther &a Morris went to the fair & Morris said, "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance. Esther replied, "Morris that Helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple & said "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for A ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride & not say a word I won't charge you, but if you Say one word, it's 50 dollars.
Morris & Esther agreed & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres But not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over & over again, but still not A word was heard. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "by golly, I did Everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!
Morris replied, "well, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 6, 2017 17:54:49 GMT
Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103 year old woman. Tell us, Mrs Holderness, "what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" The reporter asked.
Molly smiled and looked straight at the reporter and simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 7, 2017 19:37:40 GMT
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an "E", one boy says "elephant."
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a "T" the same boy says " two elephants."
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with "M"
The boy shouts out from the other side of the wall, "maybe an elephant." 🤗
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Post by mzgarden on Jan 7, 2017 20:44:47 GMT
A t-shirt I saw
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 8, 2017 4:20:59 GMT
An old man was eating at a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous-looking bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word, the old man quietly paid for his meal and left the diner.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “And not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2017 15:25:51 GMT
Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?
I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 8, 2017 17:32:54 GMT
Mrs baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, After getting the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frightenly, from up above a voice boomed "there are no fish under the ice." Startled Mrs baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee and began to cut yet Another hole.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "there are no fish under the ice." Mrs baker Now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, Set up her stool and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, "there are no fish under the ice" Mrs Baker stopped, Looked upwards and said "is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "no, this is the Ice Rink Manager."
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