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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 8, 2017 21:39:39 GMT
Barack Obama walks into the bank to cash a check.
“Good morning, Ma’am,” he greets the teller, “could you please cash this check for me?”
“It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America!”
“Yes, sir, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc, I must insist on seeing a photo ID.”
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
“I am urging you please to cash this check.”
“Okay, this is what we can do Mr. President. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.”
“To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his sand-wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Serena Williams came in without ID. She pulled out her tennis racket and made a fabulous shot, making the tennis ball land in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed her check.”
“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?”
Obama stands there thinking and finally says, “Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind.”
“In fact, I can’t think of a single thing I’m good at. I have no clue at all”
The teller smiles and says, “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 9, 2017 1:39:35 GMT
My wife and I have been married for 39 years.
The other day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Thirty-nine years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 62-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 9, 2017 19:43:27 GMT
A Godfather in the mob finds out his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who Knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "where is the ten million Bucks you embezeled from me." The attorney, using sign language, asks the Bookkeeper where the ten million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you're talking about."
That's when The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers Temple, cocks it and says "ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "Hell kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: OK you win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried Behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens."
The Godfather asks the attorney, "well, what'd he say."
The attorney replies: "he says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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Post by here to stay on Jan 9, 2017 23:15:49 GMT
A Godfather in the mob finds out his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who Knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "where is the ten million Bucks you embezeled from me." The attorney, using sign language, asks the Bookkeeper where the ten million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." That's when The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers Temple, cocks it and says "ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "Hell kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: OK you win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried Behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens." The Godfather asks the attorney, "well, what'd he say." The attorney replies: "he says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." And for real irony, the Godfather then shoots his attorney who had witnessed the murder..... Next summer Enzo decides to start a garden and discovers a whole lot of lettuce.
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 10, 2017 6:52:23 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 10, 2017 16:46:48 GMT
This story tells of two friends Amanda & Margot, who were walking together on the Edge of the Sahara desert in North Africa.
During some point of the journey, they had an argument & Margot slapped the other One in the face. Amanda, who got slapped, was hurt, but without saying anything, she Wrote in the sand, "today my best friend, Margot, slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. Amanda who had been slapped got stuck in the mire & started drowning, & naturally her friend Margot Saved her by pulling her out of the quicksand. After she recovered from the near drowning, Amanda Wrote on a stone, "today, my best friend saved my life."
Margot who had slapped & saved her best friend, asked Amanda, "after I hurt you, you wrote in the Sand and now you wrote On a stone, why?"
Amanda replied with a knowing smile. "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, Where the winds of forgiveness can erase it, but when someone does something good for us, we Must engrave it in stone, so no wind can ever erase it."
"Learn to write your hurts in the sand & carve your blessings in stone."
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 10, 2017 17:11:03 GMT
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Post by mzgarden on Jan 10, 2017 21:43:07 GMT
Woodpecker, I love this story of Amanda and Margot. I 'borrowed' it from you to share with others. Thank you.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 11, 2017 19:05:33 GMT
Woodpecker , I love this story of Amanda and Margot. I 'borrowed' it from you to share with others. Thank you. I loved it too! You can have it..it's all yours to share. It's a good one❤️
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 11, 2017 19:23:01 GMT
Simple home remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure suffers: simply cut yourself & bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life-WD 40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
DAILY THOUGHT: Some people are like slinkies -not really good for anything, But they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs!
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 11, 2017 21:01:43 GMT
#6 ~ True dat!!! Might I suggest substituting a good cough medicine instead?
If you drink enough of it, it usually has the same effect. . . . but easier on the throat.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 12, 2017 20:18:24 GMT
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the mans face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they shouldn't graft any skin from his body because He was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to Come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came From, and they requested that the doctor honor their secret. After all, this was a Very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the mans new face. He Looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just Went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said "dear, I just want thank you for everything you did for me. How can I repay you?"
My darling, she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on your cheek.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 20:25:37 GMT
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the mans face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they shouldn't graft any skin from his body because He was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.... I just LOVE your daily funnies - they really start me off with a laugh. Thanks so much for taking the trouble to post them (and all the other people that share jokes, too...) Guaranteed to make each day cheerful.
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 12, 2017 20:45:19 GMT
Aww, that makes ME so happy! Nothing like trying to put a smile on ones face 😊
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 13, 2017 16:51:34 GMT
Ahfter living in the remote wildness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it Was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picked up a mirror & looked into it. Not ever having seen one Before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture" but on the way home he remembered his wife Lizzy, didn't Like his father.
So he hung it in the barn & every morning before leaving for the fields, he would Go there & look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn & found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, " so that's the ugly piece of trash he's runnin' Round with."
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 14, 2017 6:38:27 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 14, 2017 16:58:12 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 14, 2017 19:52:35 GMT
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making Biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink & gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on man" the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY, I can't stand to see A grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say," I'm a complete failure, I was late to a Meeting & my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had Been stolen & I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener & then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all." I buy a drink, I put a capsule in & sit here watching the poison dissolve: then you, jackass show Up & drink the whole thing!" But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 15, 2017 16:35:10 GMT
After church Johnny tells his parents he has to go talk to the minister right Away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor" Johnny says, " I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did." He says.
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening" the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin!"
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 16, 2017 20:31:37 GMT
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering, however, he just couldn't seem To get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However he was a good worker, really clever so, The owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally one day he called Fred into the office for a talk.
Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.
Yes I realize sir and I am working on it, replied Fred.
I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired From The Royal Navy, what did they say if you came in late.
They said "Good morning Admiral."
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 19, 2017 16:40:59 GMT
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A state trooper Pulled it over.
"What did I do wrong, officer?" The driver asked.
"You were going 26 MPH on a major highway, there is a law against that. You must Go at least 50 MPH."
"But when I got onto the highway, the sign said 26!"
"That is because this is interstate 26!" The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leaned back into her car seat and the cop saw another woman sitting Beside her, she looked as pale as a ghost."
"What happened to her?" Asked the officer?"
"I don't know, but she's been that way ever since we got off the interstate 160'"
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Post by Rustaholic on Jan 19, 2017 22:45:27 GMT
Hey Woodpecker , I am just glad I didn't have a woman with me the morning I took my 1968 Chrysler 300 to 190.
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 21, 2017 15:36:13 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 21, 2017 21:27:42 GMT
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentists office. Martin says to the dentist "doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I Have three buddies sitting in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time For the gums to be numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already....
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without Using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asks Martin "which tooth is it sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said "open your mouth and show him dear...."
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 23, 2017 6:49:30 GMT
I think this one, just went over most folks' heads.....HEY~ now that is funny~
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 23, 2017 19:57:24 GMT
When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were Told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found A mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey, I announced to the technician, its open." To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 24, 2017 2:20:25 GMT
********************************
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting.”
“You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
She replied, “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 25, 2017 0:29:46 GMT
Rodney and his wife Wilma are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning, by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.
"Give us a push" says the swaying stranger. "Not a chance," says the husband, its 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" Asked his wife. " just some drunk asking for a push." He answers.
"Did you help him?" Wilma asks. No I did not. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside."
His wife said, "don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys Helped us?" I think you should help him and be ashamed of yourself.
Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. " do you still need a push?"
"Yes please" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" Asks Rodney. " over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
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Post by copperkid3 on Jan 25, 2017 6:53:25 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Jan 25, 2017 20:34:20 GMT
A professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor: Do you know biology, ecology, zoology, geography, physiology?
The sailor said "no" to all his questions. What the heck do you know on earth? You will die of illiteracy!
After a while the boat started sinking. The sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology, And escapology, from sharkology?
The Professor said "no."
Sailor, well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology and you will die Because of your mouthology!🤗
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