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Post by grannyg on Feb 17, 2017 1:13:34 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 17, 2017 6:23:14 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 17, 2017 14:30:07 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 17, 2017 20:54:04 GMT
A Physician claims these are actual comments that his patients made while he was Performing colonoscopies.
1. Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me now?
4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. You know, in Arkansas, we're legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the hokey pokey...
8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!
10. Hey, Doc let me know if you find my dignity.
And the best one...
11. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 18, 2017 5:50:15 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 18, 2017 6:01:58 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Feb 18, 2017 15:51:49 GMT
That isn't nice copperkid3, You shouldn't be showing a picture of Road Construction Season while I am still in Pot Hole Season I WAS looking forward to Spring.
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 18, 2017 19:47:25 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Feb 19, 2017 0:43:02 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 19, 2017 17:47:31 GMT
There once was a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 Years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... Except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she Cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old Woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the Lilttle old man took the shoe box and took It to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in it. When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted dollies and a stack of money, Totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
When we were married, she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a Happy marriage was to never argue. She told me if I ever got angry with you, I Should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious Dollies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those Years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart, he said..." that explains the doilies, but what about all this money?"
"Oh" she said that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 20, 2017 4:48:41 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 20, 2017 17:02:22 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 20, 2017 19:05:40 GMT
Mildred, the church gossip and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, Kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her Enough to maintain silence.
She made a mistake however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being An alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar One afternoon.
She emphatically told frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there "WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!"
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked Away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home...and left it there all night!😎
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Post by grannyg on Feb 21, 2017 2:58:54 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Feb 21, 2017 18:17:55 GMT
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU...................................
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 21, 2017 20:22:28 GMT
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She Is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I Feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. I really need you to pay Me a compliment."
The husband replies "well, your eyesight's damn near perfect!"👓
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 21, 2017 20:26:41 GMT
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She Is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I Feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. I really need you to pay Me a compliment." The husband replies "well, your eyesight's damn near perfect!"👓 Ummmmmm......did you miss the posting just 4 above this one? Apparently so nice, it's now posted twice!
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 21, 2017 20:46:18 GMT
copperkid3 , absolutely missed it! Thanks for the heads up, now I'll have to find a relacement😇
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 22, 2017 1:51:11 GMT
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Feb 22, 2017 2:34:03 GMT
Four preachers were playing golf. They noticed one of their foursome seemed very glum, so one asked what was wrong. He said "well, I've got a gambling habit, matter of fact, I've borrowed some money from the building fund, and now I don't have any way of paying it back" The other three agreed to gather the money from their discretionary funds to pay it back, then counsel him to help break his addiction. A second said "since we're talking about problems, I've got to confess my lust. I can barely keep my hands off some of my parishioners, I've even found myself in the pulpit thinking base thoughts as I look at some women in the front pews". They all agree to pray and counsel until he's thinking pure thoughts again. A third says "I've got a bit of a problem too, I'd like to ask you guys to help with my drinking problem, matter of fact, I'm half smashed right now", they all agree to work him through his problem to sobriety.
They continued to play a few more holes when one asked the fourth if there was anything they could help him with, to which he said "yes, you see, I'm a terrible gossip".
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Post by grannyg on Feb 22, 2017 2:53:57 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 22, 2017 16:09:24 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 22, 2017 16:42:20 GMT
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal rights activist. When she came home for The Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
"Oh mom," Anne exclaimed, in a disapproving tone, "some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat."
ANNE!" Screamed her mom aghast, " I send you away to college and you come back talking like that?"
HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Feb 22, 2017 18:20:23 GMT
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says, “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 55 mph.
“And don’t try to talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 65.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.
Up to 75 mph.”I want the car, too,” he continues. 80 mph.
“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really?” he inquires. “So what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
“The airbag.”
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 23, 2017 16:49:45 GMT
(This may sound like a joke, but it really does make a lot of sense...business sense, horse sense and common sense)
An old Native American wanted a loan. For $500.00
The banker pulled out the loan application. What are you going to do with the money?" He asks the Indian.
"Buy silver, make jewelry and sell it" was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral," replied the Indian.
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. " Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pick up." Replied the Indian.
The banker shook his head, "how about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian.
"How old is it?" The banker asks.
"Don't know, has no teeth." Replies the Indian.
Finally the banker decided to make the $500.00 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "here to pay." He said. Then he handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of the money?" The banker asks.
"Put in hogan." Replied the Indian.
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" The banker asks.
"Don't know deposit." Replied the Indian.
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker... "What you got for collateral?"
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Post by Rustaholic on Feb 23, 2017 17:39:06 GMT
How Adam Got Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 24, 2017 3:12:24 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 24, 2017 3:13:56 GMT
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Post by copperkid3 on Feb 24, 2017 3:14:35 GMT
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Post by Woodpecker on Feb 24, 2017 21:49:11 GMT
Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm And ask to spend the night.
The farmer says "Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, Or you will face the consequences." The three men agree.
Of course none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter And the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to The fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like.
The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds up his Shotgun on him and says "OK, start shoving them up your nose." The man does it.
The second guy comes back with cherries and the farmer tells him to Do the same thing, whereupon the second man bursts out laughing.
The farmer says "What's so funny?"
Between giggles, the second guy says, "well George will be back in A minute. See, he's picking watermelons."🍉🍉🍉
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