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Post by Tim Horton on Oct 22, 2022 19:30:08 GMT
Sooo.... I'm fat... But I identify as skinny...
Does that make me ...trans-slender.... ??
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Post by mogal on Oct 23, 2022 12:04:05 GMT
What does it say about expected traffic volumes when there's a highway to H*ll and a stairway to Heaven?
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 26, 2022 20:54:30 GMT
I played Frizbee with my dog. I really do need a flatter dog.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 27, 2022 1:44:43 GMT
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Post by mogal on Oct 27, 2022 3:29:40 GMT
GRANNY G! I love it. Laughed so hard I couldn't read it to DH. Of course, I don't know which joke I enjoyed more--the story or your exit line.
You're a funny lady!
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 28, 2022 21:40:16 GMT
I wanna grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 28, 2022 22:02:08 GMT
One day a stranger came into a hatchery and said that he wanted to buy 500 chicks. The mayor asked if he was new in the area and the man told him he was a lawyer from the big city who got sick of the rat race and bought a farm nearby. So he paid for the chicks and left. The next week the lawyer returned and bought a 1000 more. The week after that another 1000.
When he came back the next week for another 1000 chicks the mayor said, "wow, you must have quite the operation going on over there". To which the lawyer replied, "not really, I just think I must be planting them too deep".
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 28, 2022 22:31:40 GMT
This one is 2 minutes old. The BBC channel mentioned that the queen has been on the throne for 60 years. This got me thinking --- Perhaps she should increase her dietary fiber.
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 28, 2022 22:48:23 GMT
Where do all the blonde jokes come from? Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 29, 2022 18:38:21 GMT
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 29, 2022 19:59:32 GMT
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 29, 2022 22:02:36 GMT
Penguins Evolved ! Now have Burial Rituals ! Have you ever noticed any dead penguins on the ice ? Even in all those wildlife documentaries ? Never . Why ? Penguins have recently been observed burying their dead and conducting a funeral rite . An older penguin suffered an illness and died. A group of Penguins began to dig through the snow using their webbed feet and then bills to peck a penguin sized hole in the ice. They pushed the older penguins body into the hole and covered him up with the chopped ice. Then the whole colony gathered in a circle around the fallen elder and began to sing "Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow , Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow..."
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Post by grannyg on Oct 30, 2022 0:32:11 GMT
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Post by mogal on Oct 30, 2022 12:46:50 GMT
"Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow , Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow..."
Rustaholic, I bet you could hear me groan all the way to your house! I can't wait to tell that one to DH. It's the kind that's right up his alley!
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Post by mogal on Oct 30, 2022 12:49:52 GMT
I thought this was photoshopped until I noticed a black string around the horse's flank and what could be another around the tail head. My horses were tame, gentle and accepting of our silliness but I'm not sure they would have tolerated a phony udder. Thought the hat to hide the horse ears and the fake cow ears hanging from it were a hoot!
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 30, 2022 22:14:45 GMT
A blonde is driving down the road and spies another blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a field. She slams on the brakes , jumps out of the car and yells out to the blonde in the boat. "What are you doing?" The Blonde in the boat replies that she is fishing. The first blonde gets very upset and yells back , "It is blondes like you who give us all a bad name... and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt ! "
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 30, 2022 22:18:35 GMT
A pirate captain stands on the bow of his ship and he sees an enemy ship on the horizon. He calls to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." A tremendous battle ensues in which the pirate captain is victorious. His curious first mate asks him "Captain, why did you wear your red shirt into battle?" To which the captain responds "Because that way if I were wounded the blood would not be noticeable and the men would fight on." The first mate was impressed, until the next day when the captain spotted ten enemy ships on the horizon and called to his first mate "Bring me my brown pants."
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Post by grannyg on Nov 1, 2022 0:10:00 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 2, 2022 16:14:08 GMT
Don't run with bagpipes, You might get kilt
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 4, 2022 10:51:28 GMT
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, I've had enough and I have left you,,,, Don't bother coming after me. then she hid under the bed, to see his reaction. After a short while, her husband comes and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk across the room and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on the note and picked up the phone to call someone.
"She's finally gone... yea I know, About time, I'm coming to see you. Put on that French Nightie. I love you... Can't wait to see you... We'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off, as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. " I can see your feet, We're outtta bread, be back in about five minutes."
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 4, 2022 19:30:37 GMT
I was walking by a farm and a sign said 'Duck, Eggs.'
I thought: "that's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me".
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 5, 2022 15:54:50 GMT
A Day without Coffee is like HaHaHa Just Kidding.
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Post by mogal on Nov 5, 2022 17:11:36 GMT
A Day without Coffee is like HaHaHa Just Kidding. I'm no longer a coffee drinker but I can empathize with your sentiment.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 6, 2022 20:56:27 GMT
I'm practicing for a
bug-eating contest and
I've got butterflies in
my stomach.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 6, 2022 20:59:23 GMT
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones? Anything you'd like; It can't hear you.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 6, 2022 21:01:53 GMT
My father has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 7, 2022 12:16:52 GMT
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 7, 2022 12:18:47 GMT
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was so well armed.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 7, 2022 12:20:37 GMT
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A baa humbug.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 8, 2022 22:01:04 GMT
Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey
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