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Post by mogal on May 12, 2021 2:42:50 GMT
grannyg, I'm remembering why we don't raise cattle any more.
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Post by Melissa on May 12, 2021 14:11:27 GMT
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Post by grannyg on May 12, 2021 15:06:19 GMT
Bill Grogan's goat , Was feeling fine Ate three red shirts, Right off the line. Bill took a stick, Gave him a whack, And tied him to, The railroad track. The whistle blew, The train was nigh Bill Grogan's goat , Was doomed to die! He gave a cough , Of mortal pain, Coughed up those shirts , And flagged the train!
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Post by Tallpines on May 12, 2021 17:03:07 GMT
Had a little dog. His name was Jack. He pooped all over the railroad track Train came by ..... The poop did fly! Hit grannyg right in the eye!
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Post by Tallpines on May 12, 2021 21:38:21 GMT
A repeat from @rustohalic . ..... Nov, 2016
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
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Post by oldone on May 13, 2021 0:11:57 GMT
GrannyG your cow story had me in tears. Thank you. Haven't laughed that hard in a long time
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Post by Tallpines on May 13, 2021 3:08:01 GMT
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, โHoney that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: ' โI found the remote.'...
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Post by mogal on May 16, 2021 21:25:21 GMT
Elton John bought a tiny treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Now it's a little fit bunny.
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Post by gayle on May 17, 2021 0:01:38 GMT
mogal, is that a dad joke?
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Post by mogal on May 17, 2021 10:27:02 GMT
mogal , is that a dad joke? Close--my DH but it wasn't original with him.
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Post by grannyg on May 21, 2021 2:37:55 GMT
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Post by grannyg on May 21, 2021 16:46:03 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 3, 2021 2:35:53 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 6, 2021 12:49:35 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 6, 2021 22:15:48 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 13, 2021 19:14:57 GMT
A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord paused for a moment..... Then the Lord replied, โYou want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?' ๐๐๐๐๐
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Post by grannyg on Jun 15, 2021 2:12:51 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 16, 2021 23:51:34 GMT
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Post by mogal on Jun 17, 2021 10:32:09 GMT
My grandparents farmed in a part of northeast Arkansas called the Grand Prairie that was flat, flat, flat. They grew a lot of rice and soybeans and I commented to a woman whose family also grew rice that those flooded rice fields looked to me like one big mosquito nursery. Down there are two kinds of mosquito: the tiny ones that flew through the mesh of a window screen or screen door and the big ones that just opened the door to admit themselves to the "feast" inside.
Yep, I believe such a sign exists.
Our local mosquitoes don't hurt too bad when they bite but we camped near Buffalo WY one night where the mosquito bites really hurt. It was a long night with not a lot of sleep.
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Post by grannyg on Jun 17, 2021 19:08:01 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 18, 2021 14:49:09 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jun 19, 2021 17:06:52 GMT
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Post by mogal on Jun 19, 2021 18:02:15 GMT
Grannyg, I just laughed so loudly at this story that I startled the cat and woke her from a pleasant nap. Such a look she gave me.
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Post by grannyg on Jun 20, 2021 13:17:12 GMT
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Post by mogal on Jun 20, 2021 16:12:17 GMT
So, grannyg, since I, a somewhat diminutive older female, learned to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission almost as long as I've been driving, a tractor and anything else with wheels I've tried (including teams of HORSES!!! pulling wagons and carts), does that make me a guy? My plumbing ain't right to be a guy!
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Post by grannyg on Jun 21, 2021 19:12:30 GMT
Two Little Old ladies Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower showโ! "You're on!โ said Connie, holding up a $10 bill. So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd. "What happened?โ asked Connie. "I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!" ๐นLife is short... Break the rules๐น
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Post by grannyg on Jun 22, 2021 15:26:43 GMT
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Post by mogal on Jun 22, 2021 17:20:43 GMT
To paraphrase:
I love the smell of horse _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite word for this product) in the morning!
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Post by Tallpines on Jun 22, 2021 18:08:00 GMT
To paraphrase: I love the smell of horse _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite word for this product) in the morning! I love the smell of horse and the โcreekโ of a leather saddle โฆ.. (Whatever comes along with it is okay too!)
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Post by grannyg on Jun 23, 2021 22:05:59 GMT
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