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Post by mogal on Jun 24, 2021 1:10:28 GMT
Or she just found out her mother-in-law is coming for a visit and is trying to relieve a headache.
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Post by grannyg on Jun 27, 2021 14:53:40 GMT
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Post by gayle on Jun 27, 2021 20:45:14 GMT
grannyg, that actually works. Not worth $1,234, but it does get the job done.
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Post by grannyg on Jun 28, 2021 14:47:39 GMT
I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little shits name is Kevin.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Post by mogal on Jun 28, 2021 18:07:15 GMT
Grannyg, how old was the kid?
I saw what was coming but still funny on one level. Not so much in letting a kid get away with such behavior. Sounds like he needs a good dose of what I grew up hearing referred to as "home training."
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Post by Rustaholic on Jun 28, 2021 23:14:53 GMT
Bran Muffins The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing.” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.” The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man. “This is Heaven.” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy” The old man looked around and glanced at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked. “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to” was the answer. “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago.”
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Post by Melissa on Jun 29, 2021 17:55:21 GMT
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Post by Tallpines on Jul 1, 2021 3:06:54 GMT
Okay so my neighbors have been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zap collars, so I went on Amazon and purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently, they don't like it.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So, I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens.
Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So, between coughing and yelling at her to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face.
During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes, I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the hot air.
In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it."
So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch. Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that: 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off. 2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
3. I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh to start my day so feel free to do the same 😁 have an amazing day!!
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Post by snoozy on Jul 10, 2021 15:06:55 GMT
"In California we like to mix our earthquakes with our heat waves. It's a little thing we call Shake and Bake"
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Post by grannyg on Jul 11, 2021 16:36:00 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 13, 2021 2:44:19 GMT
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Post by Melissa on Jul 14, 2021 15:24:44 GMT
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Post by Melissa on Jul 15, 2021 14:19:13 GMT
Hmmm... ![](https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/218553442_10224665419878202_804117090960283963_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=34uXTw6cQ40AX93Wf9v&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=990f6a09a6c284ffbba5f0dbf74fe275&oe=60F4D700)
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Post by Melissa on Jul 15, 2021 14:34:15 GMT
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Post by Melissa on Jul 19, 2021 19:02:12 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 22, 2021 2:31:22 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 22, 2021 15:40:01 GMT
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Post by Daniel on Jul 23, 2021 13:15:42 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 24, 2021 2:13:14 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 25, 2021 15:52:58 GMT
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Post by snoozy on Jul 26, 2021 19:31:31 GMT
1) What kind of race do remodel tilesetters run?
2) What is the favorite sport of zucchini?
3) What Olympic event do bagel bakers excel at?
4) In what event is a drunk participating when he weaves from tavern to tavern on both sides of the street?
5) What event was sponsored by the Bank of Warsaw?
6) She couldn't knit worth a dime, but she won a gold in which sport?
7) Amazon sponsored a team in what sport?
8) What is the official sport of carpet layers?
9) Shopaholics medal in which event?
10) Feisty people are good at which Olympic sport? . . . . . . . . . . . 1) The relay
2) Squash
3) Judo
4) The uneven parallel bars
5) The Pole vault
6) Badmitten
7) Boxing
8) Rugby
9) The Buyathlon
10) Rowing
Any more?
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Post by Tallpines on Jul 28, 2021 3:52:04 GMT
Some people have expressed concerns about the effectiveness of the Pfizer Vaccine.
But ….. remember ………. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly SAVE THE LIVING!
(Remember ……. Pfizer is the maker of Viagara.)
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Post by Daniel on Jul 29, 2021 13:41:06 GMT
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Post by mogal on Jul 29, 2021 15:26:04 GMT
I LOVE Foghorn Leghorn!
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Post by grannyg on Jul 29, 2021 19:04:39 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Jul 30, 2021 2:38:53 GMT
A German Shepard, A Doberman Pincher and A Cat all past away on the sane day and they found themselves standing in front of their Deity who was sitting on her throne. The Deity said to the German Shepard, Can you tell me what you believe. And the German Shepard said I believe in being trained by my master and obeying my masters commands. The Deity said that is good, Come sit by me on my right. Then the Deity said to the Doberman Pincher,Can you tell me what you believe. And the Doberman said, I believe in being loyal to my master and protecting my master. And the Deity said that is good, Come sit by me on my left. And then the Deity said to the Cat,Can you tell me what you believe. And the Cat said, I believe you are sitting in my seat.
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backwoodsman
Full Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_lime.png) ![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_lime.png)
Not quite at the ends of the earth, but you can see it from here.
Posts: 107
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Post by backwoodsman on Jul 30, 2021 4:09:30 GMT
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
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Post by Daniel on Jul 31, 2021 12:57:09 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Aug 1, 2021 18:01:27 GMT
Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, Chocolate is a vegetable To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other? Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put “eat Chocolate” at the top of the list of your things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you? Remember: “Stressed” spelled backward is “desserts” Show this to four chocolate lovers and you will lose two pounds. Show this to all the chocolate lovers you know (or ever knew), and you’ll lose 10 pounds. If you don’t show this to anyone you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That’s why I had to post it here – I didn’t want to risk it.
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Post by grannyg on Aug 3, 2021 19:10:53 GMT
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