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Post by grannyg on Sept 25, 2021 15:58:02 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Sept 28, 2021 14:50:11 GMT
I recently discovered a trove of 'funnies' exchanged with friends in 2007 or so. You may have seen these but there may still be a laugh or two left to squeeze out... Thanks to Cousin Bill for this one:
Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a
German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by
a Canadian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
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Post by Daniel on Sept 29, 2021 13:46:58 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Sept 29, 2021 14:01:26 GMT
I had engine trouble last night....LOL
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Post by grannyg on Oct 1, 2021 23:18:59 GMT
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Post by Daniel on Oct 2, 2021 13:09:20 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 2, 2021 16:09:53 GMT
· So the new CEO decides it's time to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers. Seeing a chance to show he meant business, he says to the guy, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man says, 'I make $400. Why?' The CEO says, 'Wait right here.' He walks back to his office and comes back in two minutes. He hands the guy $1,600 in cash and says, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back!' Feeling like a boss now, the CEO looks around and says, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball’s job was around here?' From across the room, a voice says, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.' 😂🤣😂
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 3, 2021 20:56:05 GMT
My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 4, 2021 23:27:56 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 5, 2021 21:35:42 GMT
Here is an old one;
I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
( This is true for me too. I only see the food that my very sweet wife makes for me. And I eat it. I have maintained my weight at 200 pounds since the first of May this year so easily because I am only eating enough calories to support me at my age and height at 200 pounds. )
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Post by stickinthemud on Oct 6, 2021 15:43:55 GMT
Thanks to Bubba Bob for this one:
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 6, 2021 15:59:17 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 7, 2021 15:39:51 GMT
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Post by mogal on Oct 7, 2021 20:32:03 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 9, 2021 16:11:14 GMT
I don't. I doubt we will ever do any canning again. I have hundreds of canning jars. In 1998 so many people were already talking about what bad things could happen in the new century so I put an add on our local freecycle list asking for canning jars. I hauled them home hundreds at a time for two weeks.
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Post by susannah on Oct 9, 2021 16:54:13 GMT
I love this! When ds asked if we made pickles this year and could he have some, he was told when he returned the jars from last year's pickles, he would be given that same number of jars filled with pickles. We got back all the jars we'd given him over the past year - he really loves those pickles. But seeing this label, I am going to copy the idea and make similar labels for next year.
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Post by mogal on Oct 9, 2021 21:15:43 GMT
DH works part time for a local auction house. It's become a bit of a joke among the other employees that I buy jars from the various sales whenever I can get a good price for them. Recently, someone (not me) paid about $16 for a dozen WM Ball jars in the original closed top box. You have to look carefully to be sure you're paying for regulation canning jars and that they are not chipped.
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Post by mogal on Oct 10, 2021 15:32:22 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 12, 2021 16:00:15 GMT
Bog Life
PSA: Fall is here and many bees and wasps are dying or going dormant…but some…some have something to prove and have decided to use their last bit of life to be A-holes! Here’s the story: I was bent over cleaning off my freshly harvested root veggies and cleaning squashes, preparing them for storage. When one of these thugs with something to prove, found a gap in my pants (plumber’s crack) and decided that was a nice place to go, maybe for winter. Well I panicked then it panicked. Now imagine a grown man jumping around spanking himself yelling explicatives (a lot of name calling). Well he panicked and stung me once. (Again a grown man here) I “dropped trou” and continued to swat at my now bare bottom. I GOT HIM! But my dad was watching laughing along with my oldest (3 1/2 years old) son, asking “Dada what are you doing?” Moral: watch your crack!
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Post by Daniel on Oct 13, 2021 13:33:53 GMT
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Post by Melissa on Oct 13, 2021 16:52:59 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 13, 2021 18:07:01 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 14, 2021 15:04:50 GMT
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Post by mogal on Oct 14, 2021 20:56:20 GMT
grannyg, I just read "velcrows" to DH. He got a good laugh from it, too.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 16, 2021 15:26:03 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Oct 17, 2021 16:09:57 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Oct 18, 2021 22:10:02 GMT
Bubba Bob points to ponder:
1. Why do Kamikazi pilots wear helmets? 2. If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn? 3. Why do they swab the arm with an alcohol pad to prevent infection when giving a lethal injection?
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Post by Rustaholic on Oct 18, 2021 23:41:27 GMT
Bubba Bob points to ponder: 1. Why do Kamikazi pilots wear helmets? 2. If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn? 3. Why do they swab the arm with an alcohol pad to prevent infection when giving a lethal injection? 1. How do you know they wear helmets? 2. Bring me a smurf and we can find out. 3. Probably to keep their needle clean.
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Post by grannyg on Oct 20, 2021 1:12:07 GMT
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac! CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.. Judge # 3 - No Report 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
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Post by oma2three on Oct 20, 2021 2:16:17 GMT
oh my gosh grannyg, that was the funniest thing ever. That made my day,haven't laughed this much in a long time
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