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Post by grannyg on Nov 17, 2021 0:35:44 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 18, 2021 22:42:01 GMT
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Post by snoozy on Nov 18, 2021 22:47:48 GMT
A lot of older people are working at Les Schwab these days. They're all retired.
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Post by grannyg on Nov 20, 2021 0:44:04 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 21, 2021 17:01:42 GMT
This was titled "Over 50 Test" but dates from 2/23/2008, so even more decades back...
Here's a little quiz to see how much you remember about some less-than-important things from a few decades back. It's just for fun, no scoring involved. Even the wrong answers may bring back a memory or two. Have Fun (but no peeking!). 1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways? A. Flintstones vitamins B. The buttmaster C. Spaghetti D. Wonder Bread E. Orange Juice F. Milk G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was... A. Sugar Ray Robinson B. Roy Orbison C. Gene Autry D. Rudolph Valentino E. Fabian F. Mickey Mantle G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip charac ter said, 'We have met the enemy and... A. It's you B. He is us C. It's the Grinch D. He wasn't home E. He's really mean F. We quit G. He surrendered
4. Good night, David. A. Good night, Chet B. Sleep well C. Good Night, Irene D. Good Night, Gracie E. See you later, alligator F. Until tomorrow G. Good night, Steve
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went, A. When you use Tide B. When you lose your crayons C. When you clean your tub D. If you paint the room blue E. If you buy a soft water tank F. When you use Lady Clairol G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend, A. Stuart Whitman B. Randolph Scott C. Steve Reeves D. Maynard G. Krebbs E. Corky B. Dork F. Dave the Whale G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar... A. You're a liar B. Your nose is growing C. Pants on fire D. Join the choir E Jump up higher F. On the wire G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and... A. Wheaties B. Lois Lane C. TV ratin gs D. World peace E. Red tights F. The American way G. News headlines
9 . Hey, kids, what time is it? A. It's time for Yogi Bear B. It's time to do your homework C. It's Howdy Doody Time D. It's Time for Romper Room E. It's bedtime F. The Mighty Mouse Hour G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears... A. Yikes B. Oh no C. Gee whiz D. I'm scared E. Oh My F. Help Help H. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone A. Over 40 B. Wearing a uniform C. Carrying a briefcase D. Over 30 E You don't know F. Who says, 'Trust me' G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. A. Troy Aikman B. Kenny Stabler C. Joe Namath D. Roger Stauback E. Joe Montana F. Steve Young G. John Elway
13. Brylcream... A. Smear it on B You'll smell great C. Tame that cowlick D. Greaseball hea ven E. It's a dream F. We're your team G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill... A. In Blueberry muffins B. With my man, Bill C. Down at the mill D. Over the windowsill E. With thyme and dill F. Too late to enjoy G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by A. Clark Gable B. Mary Martin C. Doris Day D. Errol Flynn E. Sally Fields F. Jim Carey G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles A. John, Steve, George , Ringo B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo F. Jason , Betty, Skipper, Hazel G. John, Paul, George , Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who A. Who ate the leftovers? B. Who did the laundry? C. Was it you? D. Who wrote the book of love? E. Who I am? F. Passed the test? G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish A. Cause I eats my broccoli B. Cause I eats me spinach C. Cause I lift weights D. Cause I'm the hero E. And don't you forget it f. Cause Olive Oyl loves me g. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today... a. Smile, you're on Candid Camera b. Smile, you're on Star Search c. Smile, you won the lottery d. Smile, we're watching you e. Smile, the world sees you f . Smile, you're a hit g. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M & M's do? a. Make your tummy happy b. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket c. Make you fat d. Melt your heart e. Ma ke you popular f. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand g. Come in colors
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Post by stickinthemud on Nov 21, 2021 17:03:28 GMT
Okay, now scroll down for the answers!
Okay, that's it. Here are the right answers. 1 d - Wonder Bread 2 g - Cassius Clay 3 b - He Is Us 4 a - Good night, Chet 5 g - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent 6 d - Maynard G. Krebbs 7 c - Pants On Fire 8 f - The American Way 9 c - It's Howdy Doody Time 10 e - Oh My 11 d - Over 30 12 c - Joe Namath 13 g - A l ittle dab'll do ya 14 g - On Blueberry Hill 15 b - Mary Martin 16 g - John, Paul, George , Ringo 17 d - Who wrote the book of Love 18 b - Cause I eats me spinach 19 a - Smile, you're on Candid Camera 20 f - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
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Post by snoozy on Nov 21, 2021 19:31:14 GMT
Got all of them except #19.
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Post by Maura on Nov 21, 2021 20:20:18 GMT
Got them all. Some were before my time, like Howdy Doody.
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Post by grannyg on Nov 21, 2021 23:44:35 GMT
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Post by mogal on Nov 22, 2021 2:20:38 GMT
Got 'em all. What's worse, I knew the answers--didn't even have to look at the choices. Oh, lawsy, I'm old.
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Post by grannyg on Nov 23, 2021 17:08:40 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Nov 27, 2021 0:48:19 GMT
This cracked me up...
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Post by grannyg on Nov 27, 2021 17:52:27 GMT
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Post by dw on Nov 28, 2021 13:16:32 GMT
LOVE that chicken!!!
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Post by grannyg on Nov 29, 2021 16:32:42 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Dec 3, 2021 17:22:35 GMT
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Post by stickinthemud on Dec 4, 2021 16:35:49 GMT
More from Bubba Bob:
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...
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Post by snoozy on Dec 4, 2021 20:42:41 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Dec 6, 2021 22:52:08 GMT
Here are a few short animations that are very funny: youtu.be/eBiFSH2fgekSome of those are so funny...<3....
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Post by grannyg on Dec 9, 2021 22:27:39 GMT
Jerry Moore November 28, 2020 · Big morning. One shot - .243 100 yds. out - 5 AM in neighbor’s yard. 6 pt./16 lbs. 100 plus lights.
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Post by mogal on Dec 9, 2021 23:54:00 GMT
Jerry Moore November 28, 2020 · Big morning. One shot - .243 100 yds. out - 5 AM in neighbor’s yard. 6 pt./16 lbs. 100 plus lights. Par for the course! That bubba is wearing an OLE MISS hat!
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Post by grannyg on Dec 11, 2021 2:50:26 GMT
'Twas The Night Before Christmas (Hillbilly Style)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills The kinfolk were drinkin' and tending their stills The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care No stockings were found, just underwear The children were nestled so high in their bunks Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree From out of the barn there arose such a noise We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys But what to my wandering eye should appear It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere And then from the rooftop we heard it at last Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer Venison all covered with onions for stew And even old Santa enjoyed some too His belly was full when he walked out the door But he couldn't resist when we offered him more Well that's the story of our Christmas here Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year
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Post by Daniel on Dec 12, 2021 13:07:55 GMT
I'm so happy that I've been a reasonably good boy this year. Several years ago, what a mess I had to clean up. Lessons Learned.
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Post by grannyg on Dec 14, 2021 17:46:20 GMT
Started working on learning Christmas carols. Here are a few. It's not that I have any problems, I just want to be prepared for anything. 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ... 10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House 11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
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Post by grannyg on Dec 14, 2021 20:05:17 GMT
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Post by Tallpines on Dec 14, 2021 21:16:45 GMT
Oh My GOODNESS ! This is the funniest Elf photo EVER ! (I have “pulled” more than a few calves in my life!) .
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Post by grannyg on Dec 15, 2021 18:43:23 GMT
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Post by Daniel on Dec 17, 2021 13:21:38 GMT
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Post by Daniel on Dec 17, 2021 13:29:03 GMT
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Post by grannyg on Dec 17, 2021 18:52:40 GMT
CHRISTMAS DOLL As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been to an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise, a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose, so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas, and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny! Hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I THINK GRANDPA STILL CALLS HER WHENEVER HE CAN GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
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