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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 21, 2020 11:24:59 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 21, 2020 11:25:59 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 21, 2020 11:28:05 GMT
An old Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when a Young American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him: The old man politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The young man snapped his gum and said. “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?” The old man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast and replied. “Of course.” The young man blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.” The young man had a smirk on his face. The old man listened in silence. The Americans persisted. “Do you eat jam with your bread?” Sighing, the old man replied. “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the young man said. “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.” The old man then asked. “Do you have sex in the States?” The young man smiled and said. “Why of course we do.” The old man leaned closer to him and asked. “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?” “We throw them away, of course!” The young man smirked, shaking his head at the obvious question. Now it was the old man’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?”
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 22, 2020 11:28:00 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 22, 2020 11:28:39 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 22, 2020 11:30:27 GMT
An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
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Post by christie on Nov 23, 2020 3:25:14 GMT
lol.. one can't rely on FBI members of what passes for the "r" party these days when it comes to crime solving savvy. But then again, glad to see they ensured the father got his tomatoes planted.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 23, 2020 11:23:48 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 23, 2020 11:24:53 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 23, 2020 11:26:32 GMT
A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead sex life. After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening, She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.” “Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.” He never saw her glass of wine coming
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 24, 2020 11:37:47 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 24, 2020 11:39:13 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 24, 2020 11:40:24 GMT
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever placed any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement. “Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! “Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.” Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 25, 2020 11:33:02 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 25, 2020 11:33:47 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 25, 2020 11:35:29 GMT
Little Johnny had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The Little Johnny thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The Little Johnny said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” (You’re going to love Dad’s reply!) “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2020 11:04:40 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2020 11:05:28 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2020 11:06:42 GMT
One evening, a family brings their frail mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, they bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2020 12:01:58 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2020 12:03:07 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2020 12:04:07 GMT
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're all dead...'
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Post by mogal on Nov 27, 2020 12:38:59 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 28, 2020 11:14:12 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 28, 2020 11:15:30 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 28, 2020 11:17:04 GMT
The police should have known that he might be older, but he’s not any slower! 83 year old Phillip was just going to bed, when his 81 year old wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage. He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there’s 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!” The dispatcher replied, “I see, sir. Is your garage detached from your house?” He said, “Yes, but never mind that, these guys are breaking in and stealing from me!” The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and stay indoors. An officer will be along when one is available.” Phillip said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he called the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore, because I just shot them,” and he hung up. Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the old man’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the police officers said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” Phillip replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” Don’t try this at home, Folks!
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2020 11:18:35 GMT
Again Truth but not so funny. I just have to post these.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2020 11:20:09 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2020 11:22:41 GMT
Hilarious Joke: The Hillbilly Vasectomy After having the 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor (veterinarian) and told him the he and his wife (cousin) didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure call a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." so he wanted a second opinion and he visited a doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in an empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand…. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia, Florida, So. Carolina, Missouri and Arkansas.
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Post by mogal on Nov 29, 2020 13:23:10 GMT
Rustaholic, you could name a few northern states as well. TRUE STORY. When I was little, we drove to MASSACHUSETTS to visit family. Had a brand new car for the trip. So, my father and his next brother take me with them to go get some pastries at a local doughnut shop.
When they arrive at the counter, my uncle introduces us to the owner, a lady he knows. Upon learning that we lived in Arkansas, she asks if we ride horses down there. My father is a little confused but says, yes, some people in AR ride horses. The woman is a bit flummoxed. Finally she asks if we drive cars in AR. My father gave her a smile that was polite but said "Goodness, aren't you stupid". He told her yes, that most people owned and drove cars, that we'd just driven 1500 miles all on paved roads in a shiny new Chevrolet sedan and pointed it out to her at the curb. I don't think she believed him despite my uncle's affirmative nod.
I guess stupid isn't regional, huh? But I do understand that it's a joke.
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