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Post by christie on Nov 29, 2020 22:55:20 GMT
mogal, southern states consistently make the news for not-so-intelligent choices/decisions. Like the time it snowed perhaps a couple of inches and the guy in GA spun his tires so long there were flames. But take heart, some states are quickly moving off the butt-of-the-joke list as more Yankees move there. My mother's tongue-in-cheek saying southerners were marrying northerners so the south would rise again didn't work out so well.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 30, 2020 11:14:53 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 30, 2020 11:16:45 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 30, 2020 11:18:57 GMT
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh, my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially, all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first, there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub, I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my butt. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, butt in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my butt while muttering “oh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream didn't improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity, and self-respect.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 1, 2020 11:20:18 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 1, 2020 11:21:44 GMT
Another Truth
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 1, 2020 11:22:48 GMT
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber... He awoke before the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!” "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad, “replied Ralph the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never, “said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH WAKE UP. YOU POOPED IN THE BED!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 1, 2020 11:34:10 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2020 11:20:01 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2020 11:20:54 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2020 11:22:48 GMT
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke. Suddenly, it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other looked at her in surprise and asked, “What’s that?” The second lady replied, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.” “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom? The second lady replied, “You can get them at any drugstore.” The next day, the first lady hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy seemed quite embarrassed at hearing this coming from an 83 year old lady, and looked at her with surprise. “Alright ma’am, which brand of condoms do you prefer?” The old lady replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 3, 2020 11:21:46 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 3, 2020 11:22:59 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 3, 2020 11:24:42 GMT
Old Jack only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family – his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger. “Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?” Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son. “Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face. As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply. “Thank heaven he didn’t ask about the other three.”
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 4, 2020 11:23:18 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 4, 2020 11:24:19 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 4, 2020 11:26:32 GMT
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 68 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun...!!! Again, Don't mess with Senior Folks. They really have pleny time to think of things like this.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 5, 2020 11:06:23 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 5, 2020 11:07:14 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 5, 2020 11:08:37 GMT
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes of discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!!
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 6, 2020 11:25:06 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 6, 2020 11:26:14 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 6, 2020 11:28:39 GMT
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from….. “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.”
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 7, 2020 11:19:19 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 7, 2020 11:20:56 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 7, 2020 11:22:00 GMT
This wealthy couple is employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise. She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.” The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.” The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.” The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?” “Well, Ma’am, your husband told me he likes the food better when I make it than when you do.” Seriously annoyed, the lady interjects: “I’m not giving you a raise. That’s just your job.” The housemaid tries again: “And I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m also better at laundry than you.” “Nonsense what makes you think that?” “Again I’m sorry ma’am, but your husband says, his shirts are better ironed when I’m the one who cleaned them, than when you are.” Even more annoyed, the lady says: “okay I’ll have a talk with him. But you’re still not getting a raise for doing your job.” “Well... I’m very sorry ma’am, but maybe you should also consider the fact that I’m better at sex than you.” The lady responds, red with anger: “EXCUSE ME? My HUSBAND told you that?” The housemaid answers: “Oh, no it was the gardener; ma’am and I won’t tell your husband that one. Humbly the lady responds, “Okay, you get your raise.”
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 8, 2020 11:43:39 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 8, 2020 11:44:39 GMT
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 8, 2020 11:45:30 GMT
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They waited in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘Oh why not, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
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Post by Tallpines on Dec 8, 2020 14:30:29 GMT
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again. The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
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