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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 25, 2022 16:22:57 GMT
What is the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 25, 2022 16:25:59 GMT
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? They say it was due to too many strokes.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2022 22:19:33 GMT
What kind of music do mummies like? Rap
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2022 22:21:27 GMT
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2022 22:25:43 GMT
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach Bach Bach!"
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 26, 2022 22:27:22 GMT
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:02:48 GMT
. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:03:39 GMT
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:04:28 GMT
. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:05:20 GMT
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:06:22 GMT
. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 27, 2022 0:07:08 GMT
. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2022 23:43:33 GMT
What is the tallest building in the world? The Library - It's got the mpst stories!
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Post by Rustaholic on Nov 29, 2022 23:45:43 GMT
I couldn't get a reserrvation at the library, They were completely booked.
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Post by grannyg on Dec 2, 2022 1:17:45 GMT
Lol -a joke from an old sailor! salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2022 12:51:59 GMT
Shot my first turkey today,,, scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section -- It was awesome!!
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2022 12:54:43 GMT
My family says I talk in my sleep. Nobody at work has ever menyioned it.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2022 12:56:59 GMT
I dropped some spot remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2022 12:59:50 GMT
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Othertimes, I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt on.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 2, 2022 17:08:27 GMT
Slivers, A trees final moment of revenge.
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Post by grannyg on Dec 5, 2022 4:58:09 GMT
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Post by mogal on Dec 5, 2022 10:13:48 GMT
grannyg, you've posted some good recipes on this forum but this is one I don't think I'll be trying. Why ruin a bunch of good ants with CHOCOLATE? Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm such a chocoholic!
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 9, 2022 12:21:05 GMT
I was at the library and asked if they have any book on paranoia. The librarian replied, "They are right behind you."
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 9, 2022 12:25:10 GMT
I've just been reading a book about anti-gravity - it's impossible to put it down.
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 9, 2022 12:31:52 GMT
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but I was captivated and by the I kinda liked it.
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Post by mogal on Dec 10, 2022 16:15:05 GMT
Grannyg, God didn't give me smarts for the days that end in "Y." DH had seen it before and told me the answer. GROOOANNNN!
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Post by Rustaholic on Dec 10, 2022 21:12:51 GMT
Cow on the plow.
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Post by mogal on Dec 11, 2022 13:17:13 GMT
Got it.
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Post by grannyg on Dec 13, 2022 1:28:13 GMT
Mom asked me to share her Vodka Christmas Cake recipe with my cousins so here goes. Please keep in your files as she is beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. Happy Thanksmas everyone❤️
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Post by Daniel on Dec 22, 2022 13:32:27 GMT
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